Where is My Stimulus Package?

My friend Harold is one of those “good old boys,” born, raised, educated, and working in the great state of Mississippi. He talks tough and looks every bit like the hard working man that he is.  When he asks how I or my family is doing, I know that he is sincerely concerned.  Just this past Friday, Harold emailed me about an opportunity he feared I might overlook.

“Just wanted to let you know,” he wrote, “today I received my 2011 Social Security Stimulus Package.  It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, and ten coupons to KFC.  The directions were in Spanish.  Hope you get yours soon.”

I immediately fired off a reply thanking him for his concern and assured him that I would be on the lookout for an email from our generous Uncle Sam.  Since Harold’s last name starts with “M” and mine with “W,” it is not unusual for communications from our well-to-do uncle to reach Harold before they reach me.

It is possible, I suppose, that my Stimulus Package was sent by “snail mail,” and is therefore “in the mail,” as they say.  Uncle Sam is known for his thrift.  Some folks I know go so far as to say that he is “penny wise and dollar foolish.”  I’m not sure if I agree.  I always try not to be judgmental.  “Think before you speak.”  “Get your facts right.” That’s what I say.

Harold’s good news of an impending gift from our uncle does, however, present me with a bit of a dilemma.  Having given some thought to how I might make the best use of my Stimulus Package, I can see where there may be some problems.  “Don’t be caught day dreaming when the good fairy comes,” that is what granddaddy use to say.

What am I to do with the watermelon seeds? All of my land is in some sort of government land bank.  According to my accountant, I cannot plant anything on it.  If I do, I will lose my government check for the non-use of my productive land.  Right now it is growing a nice dependable “green” crop.  We all want to “go green” these days, as you know.

I do not want to appear unconcerned about the need for economic recovery.  So, I am willing to try out planting those watermelon seeds.  I will need, of course, some assistance from the government.  The soil will need to be tested for its suitability for growing watermelons.  I understand there is a government agency that will do that for me, free of charge. 

I will have to purchase some new farm equipment to actually plant and harvest the crop, assuming that all goes well with the weather, etc.  I am trusting that there will be some help in that area with tax write-offs, depreciation tables, and an interest free “small” business loan, etc. 

Also, I will have to assume that those troublesome federal agents will not try to interfere with my efforts to provide financial assistance for the needy Hispanic immigrants in my area.  Let us not have any of that shit about “illegal” immigrants.  If they are here, they must be legal.  Right?  The federal government won’t have let them in if they weren’t, would they? 

I might point out that we have a very nice Super Walmart nearby.  Since it opened a few years ago, all of those small local businesses that were charging such high prices have closed.  It may be true, as some liberal critics have charged that the abandoned buildings have made the town look more like a mini Detroit than Mayberry, but we must accept progress. 

There shouldn’t be any problem with my workers living off of the wages I pay.  The wages are, after all, determined by the market forces at play regarding illegal immigrant labor.  I do not wish to brag, or pat myself on the back, but picking watermelons in the healthy open air is much better for them than working long hours at either Walmart or a chicken plant.

Did I mention how competitive the watermelon market is at present? Watermelons of substandard quality are being brought in and sold at ridiculously low prices by Walmart and other mass marketers.  I must assume that Congress will authorize a suitable watermelon subsidy to cover my losses.  I do want to be patriotic.  I do want to do my part in the economic recovery, but as you know, no one wants to take risks these days, at least not until the economy recovers.

What the hell am I to do with the cornbread mix?  I am grateful that they did not just give me surplus cornmeal, flour, etc., like the government did in my granddaddy’s time.  But why should I have to add the water, mix it, and bake it at my own expense?  What does Uncle Sam think?  Just because he gets everything free—e.g., health insurance, full pension (even if he works only one day), travel allowance (or even a chauffeured ride to Walmart)—does not mean that I can afford to hire a cook.  It would make more sense to send me some sort of food stamps or a plastic card that I could use at Walmart to get my cornbread muffins already made and packaged.   Need I point out that more people would be employed by doing it that way?  What does it take to get those politicians in Congress to think?

Prayer rug?  Well, the wife has been praying a lot lately.  The house does need some work done on it, especially after that bad wind blew some shingles off of the roof.  I have applied for some of that government emergency aide, but FEMA seems to be dragging its feet on getting it to me.  When it comes in, we plan to not only repair the roof, but also replace the rug in the living room and remodel the kitchen.  You know what they say, “If the wife ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

As for the KFC coupons, ever since those Yankees bought the colonel out, God only knows where they get that stuff they call “chicken.”  It may come from Vietnam, bird flu virus included at no extra cost.  Besides, we eat catfish (also from Vietnam) and suck crawfish heads here in Mississippi.  Nothing brings the community together better than a good gospel sing and dinner on the grounds with fried chicken and catfish, boiled crawdads, and hushpuppies.

Our country is going through a difficult time.  Ever since FDR foisted his socialist New Deal on the nation, we have been burdened with high taxes.  When will people wake up and admit that if you force higher taxes upon the rich, there will be less wealth to trickle down to the needy?

Do not fear.  We will get through this econnomic slump, so long as they don’t mess with our Second Amendment rights.

Now where is that Stimulus Package?

Until next time, be good to all God’s creation, and always live under the mercy.





3 responses to “Where is My Stimulus Package?

  1. Clever, Paul. I agree with your basic premise. On the other hand, no one in Clinton carries my favorite cereal Maple Pecan Crunch except Walmart, so I have to go there occasionally.


  2. Paul, you really did it for me this time…..I have very littel understanding of ow our so-called govenrment “works”, ( does it?) & never did have. But The Wal Mart segment really grabbed me. I have been doing my own opersonal boycott of Wal Mmart for severl years now, .my reasons being those small businesses that have been sucked into their giant, hungey maw. Your thinking really refeshes me!
    Sorry, Howard B…just HAD to use that exclamtion point. 😦


  3. Kevin Greene Jr.

    Clever and funny. Good satire.


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